Butterflies

So, last night I watched Patch Adams, one of my favorites and now more so since the passing of a legend. Whenever I see it I cry but not for the reasons you may think. When Carin has that in-depth talk with Patch on the clinic porch about how men have always hurt her, Wow, that is my life. My Patch is my husband, Steve. I had always been used by guys, its a life I became accustomed to, how sad is that. Starting at such a young age too. I was either put down by negative words from my father or being molested by my brother or ogled at by the many men in the family circle. Sex had become a way of living for me and no one stopped it from happening, although I would cry out for help. And I’ve suppressed so many memories from my childhood but now as an adult there will be a smell or picture or movie that brings back a forgotten memory of being touched inappropriately or hurt in some way and I will wish I could just suppress the memory again..forget it forever. I’ve always disliked men with mustaches, they make me uncomfortable, I’ve never been able to figure that one out though. On many levels, I hope I never do. I have heard that scientists have discovered a way to delete all the negative memories of your past. Could this benefit a person, or harm them? Although, I have many negative memories from my past, most have made me a stronger person. I feel that, now as an adult, more mature, I am able to help and encourage those that have been where I was, struggling to find a way out. Just as I am doing now, blogging, sharing my stories, my life, my secrets. I never thought I would ever share these secrets with the world, but here I am tapping away on these keys telling the world, telling you. My only hope is that you gain strength from it that you find hope. I want you to know that you are not alone. So many girls, I was one of them for a long time, think that they are alone that it’s only happening to them and that no one will help them because, well who will believe such a story?…but it’s just not true, you can and deserve to be helped.

As for the Patch Adams reference, I used to pray that God would turn me into a butterfly so I could escape, Carin too wished she was a butterfly. I think at one time or another we all wish that. There used to be a show on tv when I was little, don’t ask me the name I can’t remember(lol), but the little girl used to sit in her window seat in her room (dreams can come true–I’ve always wanted one still do) and look up at the moon and talk to it. I too would talk to the moon just not in a window seat hoping for a miracle to occur. Sometimes I’d plan out my runaway plan or think about who would adopt me if the authorities finally stepped in. But none of those things happened, although one miracle did occur on June 17,2001, I met my best friend and now husband. I never thought he’d have such a major impact on my life. But that story is for another blog. =)

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