It’s Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas

CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!! I LOVE CHRISTMAS!!!! It’s my favorite holiday EVER!!! What’s your favorite holiday? Do you feel the same way? Does it make you happy? Do you start playing Christmas music right after Halloween too? Fa La La La La La La La La! It drives my kids crazy but I don’t care I blast it in the car–HA! The louder the better! And my favorite Christmas store opens the weekend near my birthday(October 25th) , it’s called ‘The Christmas Place’, it’s in Abington, MA and we try to get there the weekend it opens or that week. It just brings such joy and happiness to see the lights and colors and hear the music. The only thing I don’t like about christmas time is the snow, the first snow of the season is pretty and nice to see but THAT’S IT! after that we don’t need anymore. Am I right or am I right???

Growing up christmas was ok, it wasn’t magical or amazing, in fact it really wasn’t my favorite. The only christmas I remember as a kid was when I received the best gift ever from my Nana and Grandpa. I remember coming down on Christmas morning and seeing a really big box wrapped up with my name on it and I could not wait to open it. I was so excited, too excited to wait so I asked my Nana if I could open it first and she told me to open everything else and save it for last, well of course I couldn’t think about anything but that big box with my name on it. What could be inside? What special gift could they have gotten me? What was the gift? As I opened the other gifts I grew impatient but I waited. Everyone opened their gifts now came the time to open ‘the gift’. My Nana looked at me smiled and nodded in approval for me to open the present. Did I take my time and slowly open the gift in gratefulness…nope. I was a kid, I ripped the paper off, oddly enough even though the box was big and long it was not heavy so again I asked myself ‘what the heck is in here?’ Now the wrapping paper is off and I’m finally at the box the HOLY GRAIL, what could be inside…. I slowly pull off the tape and find – – – – –

Another wrapped box …GAH!!!! oh man, YOU’RE KILLING ME SMALLS!!! It’s slightly smaller and lightweight. I open it and what’s inside….. ANOTHER wrapped box!!! GGGRRRR!!!!!! I open that one to find, you guessed it! I end up going through at least 6 boxes, that’s right 6!!!! I finally get to the last one and when I open it I find a magazine cut out picture of a keyboard. Tears began to well up in my eyes, I had been so excited for this gift and for what… a picture???? Oh man!!! My nana and grandpa could see my frustration and disappoinment, they couldn’t keep the secret much longer.

My nana looked at me with her kind and gentle eyes and said “Erin, go to my room and look on my bed”. So, I wiped my tears and slowly got up from the floor and headed to her room which was on the same floor, not far from the livingroom. I opened the door and saw, there on the bed, a gigantic(to me at least) keyboard. I screeched, probably loud enough for the neighbors to hear, at least it was a happy sound coming from our house this time. I couldn’t believe they got me a keyboard, I had been asking for one for a while now. I really wanted to learn and had already been playing the flute at school. So learning to play the piano was a dream, I knew we couldn’t have a piano in the house because there just wasn’t enough room so a keyboard was perfect. This keyboard was perfect! I was genuinely happy, something that didn’t happen very often for me so this was a true gift, true joy and gratefulness was in my heart and on my face.

This was my favorite Christmas, the perfect day, even if I had to ‘suffer’ a little bit. Joy in the little things. This is why, as a mom, I try to make Christmas special for my kids. It’s why I got up in the middle of the night, after I had fallen asleep to move the ELF, in order to keep the magic alive. I also, tried to make sure my girls had at least one thing they had asked for, although they never really ask for much.

Christmas is now my favorite time of year and its because of my kids. Growing up I didn’t really care for it. I hope that you are able to make good memories with your loved ones during the holidays.

Do you have a tradition that you keep during Christmas? We have a few. First, we live near a beautiful shrine called LaSalette and every year at Christmas they fill it with beautiful lights and decorations.

LaSalette Shrine
Attleboro, MA

Second, have you heard of the Christmas Pickle? Well, if you haven’t it’s a pretty big dill (hahaha). We started this one a few years ago and its still a very fun and winning tradition in our family. Many say its a German or Polish tradition but who knows where or when it first began but we are glad it did. The prize we give is usually a $5 gift card to either Dollar Tree or Target or Walmart. No one knows who will find it but the hunt to find that pickle is always great, sometimes more fun that opening gifts.

We almost always go to church too on Christmas Eve for a candle light service, but the last few years we haven’t been able to. I miss this tradition a lot.

And lastly, listening to Christmas music, I LOVE Christmas Music!!! Don’t forget the movies either!

Deck the Halls

O Holy Night

Jingle Bells

Frosty

We Wish You A Merry Christmas

Do You Hear What I Hear

Let It Snow

White Christmas

Baby It’s Cold Outside

Movies

The Holiday

The Santa Clause(all)

White Christmas

Miracle on 34th Street (old then new)

National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation

Home Alone

Frosty the Snowman

Rudolph the Red-Nose Reindeer

ELF

Little Women (Winona Ryder version)

I just can’t say enough about my love for Christmas! I love it, it makes me happy! Is my family as into Christmas as I am? No….but that’s ok. The only reason is due to my constant need to play so much Christmas music right after Halloween! HA!!

What are your traditions? What’s your favorite holiday?

See Something, Say Something

We all know deep down inside that if we see someone being hurt or robbed or wronged we should say something, we should do something. We shouldn’t just stand there or ignore the situation. I recently read an article about a woman in Philadelphia that was riding a train and she was attacked and raped while on the train, she couldn’t get away she couldn’t fight off this monster. The other passengers just sat there and watched, they did nothing but watch!!! How could they!!?? They are just as guilty as he is in my eyes. I am a victim of rape and molestation and as far as being molested my family knew and they just stood by and let it happen, they did nothing. I begged for help time and again from many different resources, to no avail. Then I was raped, I was on the train on the way home from a babysitting job when I was approached by two men, it was a rather long ride so we struck up a conversation, there were other people on board and it seemed to be a harmless conversation. He got off at the same station and followed me to my car and forced me to drive him home. He choked me and they made me park at an apartment complex and he raped me. When I went to the cops, eventually for help it was as if I was the assaulter and not the victim. We as the victims need to come together against these monsters and tell them they won’t get away with their crimes. We are not the only people they have done this to. We need to watch out for each other, we need to stand up for each other. Be there for each other. If we see something we should say something.

Here is the article if you’d like to read it. It’s not ok that she was left alone on that train with all those people around her only to be tortured. https://www.washingtonpost.com/nation/2021/10/16/woman-assaulted-on-septa-train/

What would you do if you were a passenger on the train and saw this happen?

What’s In A Name…

Our names given to us at birth don’t define us but we can feel trapped by them, don’t you think? For example, when I hear my name there are times I also here my abusers saying it or my rapist saying it. I get severe PTSD from it. I was abused by family members in every form you can of. I don’t want to here my name any longer and associate it with that. I want to change my name. I want to have a name with boldness creativity and spark, like me.

People have told me I should first deal with my past, ok, well I have, but I’ll never ever forget it. The memories will never go away.

I use my past to help others. I’m no longer angry I am just used to it now. I know I am not the only person who has ever been abused. I know that there are many victims out there like me. So if sharing my past helps them, great. If it offends others, that’s tragic. But this is me, this is who I am. I am changing my name, not sure if I’ll do it officially yet since its very involved but its something I’m seriously considering. Its like a tattoo, permanent (for the most part).

Supporting someone going through something major is so vital to their ongoing healing process. Never forget this. Someday, you will also need support and I pray I can be your support. I hope you’ll let me be.

Healing happens every day all day and in many ways, it comes in many forms.

Just being there for someone is probably the greatest form of support someone could give. Being there, just comforting, not judging, not giving your imput…just being there.

Change is hard so having someone by your side is important its comforting its vital.

So be there for someone today. ♡

Cry A Little…

Big girls don’t cry?! Well this girl doesn’t…well, not anymore. I swear to you, I don’t. I honestly think I lost my ability to. Is this possible?

A few years ago, our family went through a very difficult time, it took a toll on all of us. I am pretty sure there were very few moments when I wasn’t crying.  I couldn’t help it. There were many emotions flooding my mind and body. There were times I think someone else had taken over.

I have always been a very emotional person. I’m an empath, so it’s in my nature.

But after that incident a few years back, there were several people (who should have been more caring and loving and less judgemental) that told me I should stop crying so much, stop during so much emotion, it was causing too many problems.

Well, it must have triggered something inside me because from that point on I have found it very hard to cry. Even when in pain or when I’m truly very sad or really hurt. I can’t cry. It’s as if my body shut off it’s ability to cry, to show that emotion.

There have been a few times lately when I’ve been really sad or frustrated and even in pain and I’ve wanted to just sob, cry-let it out- let it go, but I couldn’t.

Why? Why has this happened to me? Can anyone tell me? Someone please explain it!……..

Has this ever happened to you? What did you do? Did you overcome it? How???

 

 

 

 

You’re Not Alone

via You’re Not Alone

You’re Not Alone

 

Tonight I read this attached blog, I really suggest you read it too.

It is written by a lady named Michelle, I don’t know her but I thank her.

In the article it talks about hot the church should handle abuse, physical/sexual. How they SHOULD NOT sweep it under the rug and how they SHOULD NOT blame the victim.

No matter where it is the church, a school, your house, wherever…. IT IS NEVER EVER YOUR FAULT. Also… You’re NEVER alone.

If you ever need to talk feel free to send me a message I’m here.

This article is excellent. It is, religion based, But it has many great points that are definitely worth reading and taking hold of.

Remember TALK, BE HEARD💜

 

4 Ways Christian Advocates for Victims of Abuse Need to Get Biblically Back on Track

Thinking Out Loud

As I sit here in my house, quarantined, just like everyone else I am left with my thoughts. This can be good or bad. We can focus on the great things in our lives or on the past negatives. Well, the last week or so I’ve been doing more of the latter, mainly cause I’m not as busy as I usually am. I like staying busy it keeps me focused it keeps my mind off the negative things and keeps me going, motivated. Does this apply to you?

I sent my husband a text today it read “I Hate Flashbacks”. I was having so many this afternoon and at the worst time, while driving. It all started the other night when i had an awful nightmare ad I couldn’t shake it from my thoughts for days. My past decided to keep haunting me. Plaguing me, hoping I’d cave. Hoping he give in and give up. Thankfully I didn’t. Thankfully while I was in the shower and shaving I DIDN’T give in to the thoughts of when I used to use a razor and cut myself and for just a moment I’d feel better but not really, afterwards I’d see what I had done and be so angry with myself and disappointed it was a vicious cycle. Someone hurt me so horribly they’d say sorry I would hurt myself and then try to recover see…viscous cycle. Do you know how many people deal with this daily?! Too many. Self hurt is awful why do we do it? Probably cause we are taught it. Learned behavior? Maybe you could call it that. I have not hurt myself in many many years except through my words and self doubt… it’s probably just as bad.

Back to today…these flashbacks were awful because they brought alone new thoughts that were awful. They had no place in my head why were they there who said they could be there?

First off, I was thinking back to when I was being abused and I would tell people like straight up tell people what was happening in detail, pretty brave if you ask me) but noone listened. WHY DIDN’T THEY LISTEN???!!!!  Second, THE WORST THOUGHT, all the times I was molested growing up how many times do you think I could have had a miscarriage, I was told I just had bad periods but what if my ‘bad periods’ were miscarriages and people were just trying to once again brush everything under the rug. Now I was thinking this because I would always be terrified that I’d get pregnant. That could NEVER happen cause what would people think of me. How could I carry a reminder of being abused. Every day have a part of your abuser inside you…. Now I don’t want people to hate me for what I’m about to say but had I got pregnant I most likely would have had an abortion. Another thing to hate myself for another thing to feel guilty about. I hate that I had that thought and still think that why. But why should a girl be forced to carry such a reminder. Not that it’s the baby’s fault…but shouldn’t it be the girl’s choice? I am definitely pro-choice. That’s all I’ll say about the subject. Next, I if a pandemic like this ever occurred back then, I would never have survived. Last, WHY DIDN’T I EVER TRY TO RUN AWAY!!!!

Anyways thanks for letting me share my thoughts. I’ve probably freaked a few people out but Eh it’s ok.

If you have any thoughts please share them.

 

 

 

Thoughts…

It’s been quite a while since I’ve shared anything. A while ago someone made a comment that upset me to my core and I swore off writing ever again. And I thought… “Are you serious? You’re Blog title is Talk, Be Heard”. I knew I couldn’t let someone’s condescending words stop me. So her I am. I don’t know who’ll read this but I’m sure someone will. And thank you.

So I am lying in bed and I started thinking…worst time to start thinking, right? We all know what happens then.

But I’ve been thinking about this for a really long time.

SEX… and not like that. My husband wasn’t even in bed with me so there goes that idea.

No I was thinking about the fact that its been a part of my life forever and I never had a say in when or how it started.

I grew up in church and always wanted to be part of the crowd that “saved themselves” “stayed pure” but I was not so lucky or blessed or privileged however you want to see it. I hated it. It sucked. I couldn’t say anything either. I had to sit there and live with the guilt, but I know I had done nothing wrong…right?? !!!

Every day from the age of 11 my life was a living hell. And I thought there must be other kids out there living like this, but I never met any. But who would admit to something so shameful, dirty, horrible.

All my life, all I’ve known is sex. Imagine such a life. It’s horrible. Thinking that’s all you’re good for. As an adult, a mother, a wife…away from that life that family that person… still thinking that must be all you are really good at.

It’s a terrible way to think about yourself but it’s like Stockholm syndrome you’re forced to think this way.

I am slowly learning this is not the way. In the MANDALOREAN they say “THIS IS THE WAY” well it is no longer. I refuse to allow it.

I will no longer allow them all to have me as their prisoner.

I was theirs every day but no more.

I need to teach myself how to love myself, how to do positivity, how be encouraging towards me, etc… And just learn new things and allow myself to do so without feeling guilty.

 

If you feel this way, I encourage you to join me on this journey.

I’m 42 and I’m going to start my life. Imagine that!

Hmmmm… This should be interesting.

If you have any ideas, tips, positive thoughts, encouraging notes, storiez…. Please leave them.

I’d love to read them ❤

 

 

 

Brock Turner, the reason women don’t talk….

This kid and his father are the reasons that most women won’t speak up. Brock’s father  is vilifying his son and making him the victim, he his making it seem as though what he did was justifiable, which is untrue as we all know. The judge also plays a big part in all of this too. When does the victim’s voice get to be heard.

Reading the father of the rapists letter sickened me. He said ‘why should he pay a lifetime in prison for 20 min of action’? What if the tables were turned what if it was is daughter what if she was raped, 20 minutes of action, by a fellow students on campus, this would have gone very differently.

What is wrong with today’s culture that there are still so many people that tare rape and incest so lightly. It disgusts me. These are very traumatic events, sometimes even leading to PTSD, suicidal thoughts or worse suicide itself. But still people just don’t get it.

There are groups out there that believe that if a woman didn’t dress, look or smell a certain way then it wouldn’t happen to her. Well it happened to me both incest and rape and I did none of the above. Anyways it doesn’t matter there’s no excuse.

My rapists got away with his crime because he had family members who were cops. My brother got away with it because no one believed(s) me. This happens every day and it needs to end.

I want to encourage you to stand up and speak out for yourself. Stay strong. These monsters need to be stopped,you must be strong and speak up. You can do it. You Are Strong Enough.

Let’s stop the Brock’s of the world and their dads.

 

 

 

 

 

 

‘El Roi’ the God who sees me

I am reading a devotional called ‘Praying Through the Names of God’ by Ann Spangler, it is not your typical devotional but it’s so good. I am definitely learning a lot. If you would like to gain a deeper understanding of God this is the book.

So on to why I decided to blog tonight, and yes I know its very late but I just started thinking and had to write and share. I came to one of the names of God, El Roi, it means ‘the God who sees’. Hagar gave it to Him when she met Him in the desert. Hagar was Sarah’s servent, Sarah could not have children so she came up with the bright idea to have her husband Abraham sleep with Hagar and she would be the surrogate. Today women would ask the surrogate to have the eggs implanted, not to sleep with their husbands (that’s adultary) and awkward. Well, Sarah obviously became jealous, told Abraham it was his fault and kicked Sarah out. It seems she may have done physical and emotional damage to her too.  Hagar did nothing but follow orders.

So, here is Hagar; pregnant, alone, scared and in the desert no place to go and no idea what to do with this unborn child. An angel approaches her and tells her that she will have a boy, what she’ll name it, that she’ll have many descendants under Abraham. She is like WHOA, Stop the Bus!!!!  Not really, she actually said “El Roi, You are the God who sees me, I have seen the ONE who sees me.” At this moment she knows He cares deeply about her. He cares as much about her as a tiny sparrow that has fallen to the ground. Oh and everything that He told her came to pass. Gen. 16:1-14 tells us.

So, I was thinking, if he loved her enough to help her, a single mother who was pregnant by a married man (not by her choice), but yet still an unwed mother, then He must love all women in that situation right? YES! And even more important He sees it all and He even knows our future. He has a wonderful future planned for us with our messy past right there in the midst of it, ready to be used to help others. As you can see Hagar’s story is helping women 2000 something years later. Wow! She was just a humble servant. We all have messy pasts but that’s what they are…PASTS…leave them there. He’s the God who sees and knows, He is the healer, the seer of all. His eye is on the sparrow and He watches over me (and you). If He used Hagar in such a mightY way imagine how He will/can use you, allow yourself to be used in a mighty way.